The Union Dues Holiday Gift Guide; Our picks for gifts to members of the Union
It’s the time of year where everyone is rushing around to get their shopping done before their family parties.
Well it’s also the time of year that MLS fans are starting to look ahead to the 2013 season.
With the opening day schedules being released and trades, signings, and announcements coming left and right from teams looking to improve, we here at the Union Dues wanted to try to combine those two ideas. So here is our list of gifts we would like to offer to certain members of the Union:
Freddy Adu: Big boy pants
Freddy makes a lot of money and it is debatable if he plays up to that dollar amount. He’s at a crossroads in his career where European football hasn’t really worked out for him and a move back to MLS hasn’t either. So he either needs to give up the dream of being this big superstar or step up his game. Personally, we’d like to see him raise his game and be the player we all would like him to be. Let’s hope he puts on these big boy pants and has a great 2013 season…if he is still here.
Bakary Soumare: Bionic Legs
Injuries are not a player’s fault. Soumare has the talent to be a top defender in the league, but if his body won’t let him get on the field it is wasted talent. For his own good our gift will allow him to get out there and do his thing. We believe in you Baky, just not in your knees.
Sebastien LeToux: A Time Machine
LeToux circa 2010 was great. LeToux circa 2011 was still pretty good. LeToux circa 2012 had a pretty tough year. Going into 2013 everyone is hoping for 2010 LeToux, would be satisfied with 2011 LeToux, but is really hoping we don’t get stuck with 2012 LeToux. With the time machine LeToux will be able to go back to what works, recapture his form, and have a great 2013 season.
Danny Cruz: Back-of-the-Net GPS
You can’t fault Danny for his effort. He works harder than almost anyone else on the field. He’s athletic, pretty quick, and level-headed. The one thing he doesn’t seem to have is a clue as to where the back of the net is. His only goal during his partial season with the Union came from the penalty mark. If the wide midfielder can find the net with a little more frequency in 2013 we will all be much happier.
Antoine Hoppenot: A Bubble Wrap Jersey
The Ivy League speedster torched a lot of defenders this year. Some with his speed going towards net, some by baiting them into fouls/headbutts/nasty challenges behind the play. As far as I know, all of those defenders are still in the league and may have decent long-term memories. If this is the case there will be quite a few opponents that have a bone to pick with him when they meet a second time. To keep the little guy from harm the bubble wrap jersey will protect his body while calming down those upset with him with the joy of popping bubble wrap.
Zac MacMath: A Taser X26c ECD
If Zac is going to be the heartthrob of the Union’s crazy female fans he may want to come to the game packing something a bit more useful. This bad boy will let him focus on protecting the goal knowing that his tooshie is safe. We feel your pain Zac, it’s tough being good-looking, but someone’s gotta do it.
Carlos Valdes: A Silly Season Invisibility Cloak
We all know Valdes is very good. He’s got quality and is young enough to attract the attention of bigger clubs if they are paying attention. With the invisibility cloak he will stay off the radar of anyone looking this way. In the three years of the Union’s history Nowak/Hackworth have used 9 center backs (counting Williams) and of all of them Valdes has been the most consistent and skillful. It would be a shame after finally finding a rock to lose him.
Roger Torres: Miracle-Gro
What does the Union midfield need?
Creativity? There’s no one on the team with a better eye for the through ball.
Size? 1 out of 2 ain’t bad, right?
If only Torres could match both needs there would be no way to keep him off the field. Sure a right foot could also help, but if he was just a bit taller, maybe a lot taller, he would really be a force in the league.
The Farfans: Gymboree Group Play Time
You’ve gotta love the fierceness that the Farfan twins bring to the field, but it wouldn’t hurt them to learn to place nicely with the other children on the field. Pushing, yelling, finger-pointing are all traits that no parent wants to see in their children.
And come on, it’s a great visual to think of Gabe and Mike sitting in a circle with 1 year olds finger painting.
From all of us here at The Union Dues, have a safe and joyous holiday season, no matter what it is you gather to celebrate.